Today is August 1, 2010, a year after my healing journey began..

Before sharing the story behind it, let me remember that it was July 31 last year when I felt ill. Yesterday, I was brought to the Philippine Heart Center Emergency Room due to intermittent moderate to high grade fever which reached 39.7 degrees with cough and colds. And yes, I also felt ill. So I was reminded that it was same date when I felt ill last year. Maybe what happened to me yesterday was God's way of telling me “Hey my little princess, go and share My Love to the people.”

 

I've been wanting to get my hands on this.. So here it is.. (Forgive me, this will be long.)

 

I was living an easy life until...

 

It was July 31 last year when I had severe lower back pain that I almost couldn't walk. Thinking it was because of my scoliosis (which I thought has become worse that time), I went to our infirmarian (Dr. Grayda) and told him how I was feeling. He advised me to undergo Scoliotic Series, so I did. After having undergone the procedure, I went to the Nurse Supervisor (Ma'am Cynthia) and asked her to allow me to be on leave for my night shift duty that day. I went to my headnurse for her to sign my leave form. I didn't know that moment why the question she asked was “Eto, kailan mawawala?” She was referring to my big tummy. I told her “Bilbil lang yan Ma'am.” I knew she might be suspecting that I am pregnant (which is impossible). But I must admit, I felt like there must be something wrong with my tummy because I really looked like pregnant.

 

On my way to the elevator, a friend (Amy) came with me. She was initially shy to ask me but I am glad she did. She asked if I don't feel anything wrong with my tummy. I said sometimes I do. She advised me to consult an expert or undergo an ultrasound.

 

I was in a taxi when I was kept being reminded of my friend's advice. So, I decided to go home to Nueva Ecija where my parents are because I started feeling nervous. As soon as I got there, I told Mama (who is a doctor) to refer me to her friend who has a diagnostic clinic.

 

The day after (August 1, 2009), Papa accompanied me to the diagnostic clinic. Before Dr. Vizmonte performs the ultrasound of my abdomen, she asked me why I wanted to undergo such procedure. I expressed my worries. She told me that my tummy just looks like as if my muscles got firm because of my workout but she also told me that it was really big for my age and built. When she started doing the ultrasound, she exclaimed “Naku, buti nagpa-ultrasound ka! May malaki kang mass!” Papa didn't hear those words so I stayed calm and even smiled at him to pretend that everything is okay.   When Dr. Vizmonte was about to interpret the result in front of Papa, I was forced to whisper the truth that I have a huge mass inside my tummy, the reason why it was big. He told me he'll just meet my boyfriend outside the clinic. I knew all he wanted to do was cry  but didn't want me to see him.

 

I waited for the result alone. As I went out of the clinic, Papa and my boyfriend (Jay) came up to me. Papa told me to just ride my boyfriend's wheels as we go home. I knew why. Papa wanted to burst in tears without me seeing him. As Jay and I rode the van, Jay asked me how was the procedure and the result. Though I knew Papa already told him about it, I answered with a soft voice “Okay lang ako, mamaya na lang sa bahay.” On our way home, I was not able to control myself and the words “May malaking mass ako” already came out of my mouth. My boyfriend held my hand and told me that everything's gonna be okay.

As we arrived home, my sister asked the three of us (me, Papa, Jay) how was it. No one was able to answer immediately. A deep silence reigned until my sister repeated the question. Papa answered with a lonely and hurting voice “May malaki siyang mass eh..” When I saw my sister's eyes were getting teary, I became emotional and started to cry. I called Mama (who was on duty in the hospital that time). I was crying as I read the result: HUGE PELVO-ABDOMINAL MASS. Mama told me not to worry and stop crying because everything will be okay as long as I keep my faith alive. 

 

Though I am a God-loving person, I still felt that I needed to strengthen my faith. I asked Jay, my sister and her boyfriend to please accompany me to Our Lady of Manaoag Shrine which I consider really miraculous and very sacred since I was a child. We went there and prayed.

 

After that day, every sunrise and every sunset became a challenge. Life became really stressful but I never allowed it to kill my faith. As I consulted different doctors (Dr. Sibug, Dr. Cole, Dr. Torres, Dr. Cruz) and as I underwent every test, I offered and uplifted everything to God. I told Him that whatever happens, I believe He will never abandon me. My Serum Ca 125 is slightly elevated. My rectal ultrasound resulted to HUGE OVARIAN MASS PROBABLY MUCINOUS WITH BORDER-LINE CHARACTERISTICS, which meant that the mass was almost malignant. The doctors have only one common advice, that I should go through a surgery/operation because almost all the tests showed that the mass was almost malignant and it has to be removed the soonest possible time. 

 

It would be a big  lie if I say that I never felt sad, hurt and worried about my condition and if I say that I was strong enough to face the fact that I needed an operation. With all honesty, one of my fears in life is to get an illness which will need an operation as management. Another fear is to have the disease called Cancer. But what kept me going were: the Love of God, the strength from my family and relatives and the support of my friends. And I kept telling everyone who learns about my condition not to get sad, hurt or worried for me because GOD will never give me something I can't handle and that the huge mass inside my tummy isn't really a disease. I considered it as a SPECIAL GIFT from GOD because of all people, I was given the chance to carry it. What I needed from them I said were prayers for me to be strong enough. Just when I was gaining a lot of strength, as I was carrying my gift, another big trial came to me and my family. My Lola had a stroke but was discharged after few days for she was really a strong person.

 

         However, there were also days when I got depressed and there were nights when all I did was cry out to GOD and asked Him to never make me feel forsaken. As a help to myself, I went to Manaoag Shrine (again) with Jay and his parents. I also went to Pink Sisters and St. Claire Monastery in Quezon City with my family. I prayed a lot of novenas. I called to all the angels and saints. I never entertained any negative feeling and remained on the positive side on how I perceived the situation. 

 

One of my cousins lent me this book entitled “The Journey” by Brandon Bays. It was a story of a woman who had Stage 4 cancer of the uterus but was miraculously healed, which was believed to be because of her undying faith and positive outlook in life. I really got inspired. I started believing that God may also intervene the same way He did with Brandon. I was hoping that one day as I wake up, I will find my tummy small, be miraculously healed and will never have to undergo an operation. Say that I am vain but one of the reasons too why I didn't want an operation is the mark that it will leave. I wanted to stay flawless that I was since childhood.

 

I got admitted in the Philippine Heart Center on August 15, 2009 and was scheduled to undergo Exploratory Laparotomy possible Oophorectomy, Peritoneal Fluid Cytology, Partial Omentectomy, Bilateral Lymph Node Dissection and Appendectomy on August 17, 2009. Tell me, didn't it sound fearing? Didn't it make you breathe deeply and didn't it make your heart beat faster?

 

Eventually, I accepted the reality that I should conquer my fears and be strong enough to face the trial that God has given me. I knew it was just a test of faith.

The day of my operation came.. Vital signs were taken. Pre-operative medications were given. As I felt sleepy, I requested GOD not to let me sleep until I get transported to the Operating Room and and said please to Him to give me a great sign that everything will be okay and that He will be with me during the operation. As I got inside the OR (first door), my anesthesiologists Dr. Corres and Dr. Avestrus came up to get me. I tried hard to open my eyes though I was really feeling sleepy and when I saw Dr. Corres and as she uttered “Matulog ka na Aelain”, I felt so strong and brave. Then I realized that it was the sign I asked from GOD. He made Dr. Corres an instrument of His Love for me. So I closed my eyes and submitted myself to the Surgical Team with GOD as their Master. Even my doctors faced a challenge because it was hard for them to take out the mass for it was really huge and I already had adhesion. I underwent Exploratory Laparotomy which included  Right Salphingo Oophorectomy, Partial Omentectomy, Appendectomy, Bilateral Lymph Node Dissection, Adhesiolysis. It took me 5 hours inside the Operating Room before I was transferred to the Surgical Intensive Care Unit and eventually transferred to ward.

 

My faith had to be tested more during my post-operative days. The mass which was taken out of my tummy which seemed malignant was brought to the Pathology for biopsy. Praise be to GOD! It was NEGATIVE FOR MALIGNANCY. Amazing, isn't it? I don't really know how it happened but I knew it was one of God's Divine Interventions. Though God did not grant me the miraculous healing that I was hoping for, He provided me with the healing that I deserved and needed.

 

The challenge did not end there. During my first post-op day, I felt severe pain on my post-op site. I was given a rescue dose of Demerol but it had an adverse effect on me which I wasn't able to tolerate. My heart beated so fast. My mouth, my tongue and my throat became dry that I can't swallow and breathe. I can't explain enough how I felt that moment and though I might sound overreacting but I thought I was going to be on Code 7 (a term for resuscitating a patient). While the doctor and nurse weren't there yet, I repeatedly recited with a loud voice the Latin Prayer (IN NOMINE IESU OMNE GENUFLECTATUR CELESTIUM TERRESTRIUM ET INFERNORUM) which Maynard (my best bud) taught me to be very effective.  And yes, it was. The anesthesiologist fellow arrived and asked me to breathe in breathe out until I was relieved. 

 

Another challenge I faced was hypotension when I first tried to ambulate. I don't exactly remember what happened and all I remember is: I was standing (assisted by the aid and Mama) when I suddenly felt so dizzy and told Mama that I want to sit down. She helped me to sit down. I was fortunate that I was already on the chair when I finally collapsed. When my alertness came back, I opened my eyes, saw Mama and heard her saying “Len, inhale exhale. Len, hinga, hinga.” Again, I might sound overreacting but I felt that time that GOD was about take my life and bring me to His Kingdom.

 

Through all those challenges, I realized that my healing journey doesn't end. My huge mass was taken out of my tummy. I survived the operation. I surpassed the challenges of  being a post-operative patient. I was discharged after a week. I quickly recovered during my two months leave.

 

My surgery left me with a mark (approximately 8.5 inches) on my tummy but whenever I see it, I don't anymore care if I am not as flawless as I was. Instead, it reminds me of how great GOD is.

 

                    And now, it's been a year.. But I still say that my healing journey is not yet over. It only just began.  As long as I am here on earth and living the life that GOD has given me, my healing journey continues... For life is a continuous process of healing, not only of our bodies but also of our minds and hearts. Most importantly, it is a healing of our souls and a preparation of ourselves for the eternal lives GOD has stored for us in His Kingdom.

 

Allow me to thank everyone who expressed his/her concern, care, support and love and offered prayers for me when I faced one of the greatest trials I've been through. I assure you I will always be grateful for all of you. But let me mention those who were there for me the most and served as the WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.

 

GOD – My Savior. My Knight in shining armor. My Greatest Love. Thank You for Your Divine Intervention. Thank You for being my Father, my Boyfriend, my Brother, my Bestfriend. Thank You for my life.

 

Sto. Nino/Papa Jesus – Thank You for being my Guardian and for always giving me enough strength. Thank you for Your love and protection.

 

Mama Mary, all angels and Saints – Thank you for praying for me.

 

Antonio and Evelyn Cabrera (my parents) – For the sleepless nights and restless days you offered in taking care of me, thank you so much. Papa and Mama, I can never thank you enough for all your sacrifices. Your love keeps me going. You will never be perfect but you will always be the best for me.

 

Aldrin and Aireen Cabrera (my siblings) – Thanks for the words of encouragement and for patiently waiting until I was brought out of the operating room. Thank you for checking on me almost every minute.

 

Lola Cion (who was still alive that time) – Thank you for saving me.. I know you know what I mean. Thank you for the daily checking of my wound if it was already healing and dressed. Thank you not only for being a caring grandmother but also for being a loving mother to me. I know you can still hear me, Lola.. (I MISS YOU..)

 

Jayson Ocampo (my boyfriend) – Thank you for being with me as I was brought to the OR even if you had to use the stairs which I know was hard for you. Thank you for your time and support as I went through my journey. For your care, concern and love, thank you. Most of all, I thank you for being very strong (though I know how weak you are when it comes to seeing me suffering or in pain). Thank you also to your family especially Mama Fely, Papa Ted, Jadine and Nicole.

 

My aunts, uncles, cousins (and their respective partners) – Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for extending your support and love no matter the distance.. Ate Kayan, thanks for always checking up on me. Ate Foy, thanks so much for the book. Mommy Baby and Daddy Mike, thank you very much for the flowers of love from you. Mommy Baby, when you said the words “I love you” on the phone with a crying voice, you don't know how you made me strong and how you made me feel special.. Tita Thelma, thank you for the balloons to cheer me up and for cooking my soup. Javier family, thank you for the expression of your care through the flowers you sent. Tita Flor, Tito Robert, Tito Julie, Tita Ne, Tito Boy and BM, your visits meant a lot. 

 

Ma'am Vinna Panlilio – You just don't know how much I value and admire you. Thank you for being the first person to check if I was being turned. Thank you for the joy and love you gave from your heart to mine.

 

Aimee Sotelo – I can never thank you enough for taking care of me. Thank you for the almost day-to-day visit. Thank you for combing my hair. Thank you for the tears you cried and the smiles you wore for me. Thank you for everything you've given and done and for never making me feel alone during my darkest days.

 

Amelia Allas – Thank you for the friendly and meaningful advice.You are an angel in disguise. Thank you for being my shock absorber the day I was diagnosed to have a huge mass. Thank you for referring me to your aunt. Thank you for the prayer booklet. Thank you for offering me a sponge bath. Thank you for everything you've done.

 

Rhian Howell, Ria Pavia, Gel Tiangco, Mina Goliat  – You guys are the best! Thank you for being with me on the day of my operation. Thank you for making me smile and laugh no matter how nervous I was. Thank you for bringing me to the OR. Thank you for loving me that much.

 

Maynard Albis – Thank you for the prayer you taught me. Thank you for the visit. Thank you for always being there to keep my faith alive and for never allowing me to get weak. Say thank you for me to Tita Lyn and Mae for their prayers.

 

Iza Calzado – Thank you darling for the call. It meant a lot. Hearing you say the words that surely I will get through it made me braver and stronger. 

 

Nyoy Volante and Mama Corie Miguel – Your support and love mean so much. Thank you for being with me in prayers. Your words of encouragement helped me a lot.

 

Dr. Annabelle Corres (my anesthesiologist) – Truly, you were the greatest sign. I will forever remember how you once touched my life by being GOD's instrument of His Love for me. You were, you are and you will always be my living angel. 

 

Dr. Bernadette Cruz (my OB-Gyne), Dr. Chan (my Surgeon), Dr. David (my Gyne-Oncologist), Dr. Avestrus (my assistant anesthesiologist), Dr. Arthur Ferrolino (my attending physician) and all the fellows who checked on me– Thank you for doing your best though I know it was really hard for you to take out the mass. Thank you for helping me a lot to recover quickly. You will always be remembered and treasured. Your kindness and generosity will always be valued.

 

To all my nurses and nursing aids especially Rome, Marose, Jun, Rochie, Frank, Ate Jeanie, Ate  Pia – Thank you for being patient. I know I was one of the “toxic” patients that time. Thank you for taking care of me with compassion.

 

Dr. Katherine Sibug, Dr. Lili May Cole, Dr. Valmonte-Torres, Dr. Vizmonte – Thank you for keeping me on the positive side. Thank you for the free consultation and helpful advice. 

 

Mama Helen Del Mundo -- Truly, you are an inspiration. Thank you for always reminding me that you love me like your own daughter. Your inspiring words will always remain in my heart.

 

Ma'am Zen Josue – Your “I love you” text is still on my saved messages. Thank you for the prayer bookmark and for the prayer of course. Thank you for giving me a sign that there was something wrong with my tummy.

 

Ma'am Cynthia Argente – Thank you so much for being the first person to turn me and give me a very relieving chest physiotherapy. Thank you for the genuine concern.

 

Ruby Ann Domingo – Thank you for the get well soon cake but more importantly thank you for taking time to visit me (also Noel).

 

Sarah De Jesus, Pauline Pagtama, Preema Darisan  -- Thank you for making me feel that you love me no matter how far you are.. Thanks for the times you chatted with me to keep my spirit high.

 

Michael Dela Cruz, Rochelle Bautista, Eyin Sevilleja, Karla Macapondag, Gladys Manuel, Kathleen Vidon, Theresa Sawit and the rest of my USHS friends – Thank you so much for the prayers and for the comfort that you never get tired of giving me. Thank you for being my true friends.

 

Bro. Clifford Sorita and the rest of my mentors – Thank you for your prayers and sincere concern.

 

Sr. Ruth, Sr. Irene, Sr. Ludwina, and all their fellow nuns – Thank you for uplifting my spirit. Thank you for the prayer books and for praying for me. Thank you for the mass you offered. Thank you for the visit. Thank you for all the things you did to make me feel that truly I am GOD's precious child.

 

Danica Agbay and Tere Yambao – Thank you for visiting me which really brought me joy.  To the rest of my college friends, thank you also for the prayers for my fast recovery.

 

Mycah Midem – Thank you so much for communicating with Dr. Corres for me. You are really a blessing.

 

Jelyn Cartagena – Thank you for the prayer over the phone and for always being free for me.

 

Divine Sarinas and the rest of my ION friends  -- Thank you for being there to inspire me and for not letting me down. Thank you for always saying words which reminded me how great GOD is. Thank you for helping me get through..

 

Loren Manaclay, Mahra Moraga, Gen Dulay, LA Rabino, Bianca Macapagal, Sarah Batoon, Jane Perez(and Ryan), Suzette Solideo, Tina Cando, Diane Gurne, Ice Bicare, Lexie Cabillo, Hya Sacayanan, Hanna Limos, Verna Gamponia, Rachel Tañon, Mae Dones, Micah Rodriguez, Venni Genetiano, Thessa Del Rosario, Pia Sampang, Nel Riguis, Jane Valdez, Zenaida Gapido, Marie Suico and the rest of my friends/co-staff from the Pediatric Division – Thank you for the visits, the words of encouragement, the sweet text messages, the prayers and everything. Forgive me if I didn't get to mention you one by one but I assure you, you are all in my heart.

 

Terewil and Windy Suñas (my angel DALE's parents) and DALE – Thank you for your sweet gestures. I will never forget you. My angel DALE, thank you for being with me in spirit.

 

Tita Glo and Joshua Teñoso – Thank you for the breads and ofcourse for visiting me. Thank you more for the mass and prayer you offered.

 

April Haboc,Tita Jo (and Jamie) Mercado, Raf Manosca and Rachel Librado – For the sweet visits, thank you. Thank you also for all the inspiring words. Thank you to the rest of my friends from NV's Angels and CybeRhians.

 

Jayson Fernandez (my sister's boyfriend) – Thank you for being a brother. Thank you for the visit and for always being available whenever I needed you. Thank you for sharing your strength with Ate Ayeen because I knew how my condition took a lot of her strength.

 

Nira (Kuya's ex girlfriend) -- Thank you for the blood donation. I really appreciate it. 

 

Dave Latumbo and Kenneth Laugo – Thank you for supporting Jay and giving him some strength coz I got a lot of his strength. Kenneth, your visit will never be forgotten.

 

Ma'am Commendador – Thank you for allowing to be on leave the day I found out that the mass might be malignant. I needed that day for myself. Thank you also for the words of encouragement.

 

Sir Edgar  – For taking time to see me during my admission day and visited me during one of  my post-op days, thank you.

 

Ma'am Ayette Velasco -- You were the first nurse manager who visited me (SICU). Thank you for asking my needs and telling me not to get shy saying it. And oh, thank you for telling my nurse that the patient inside the room is beautiful only to find out from my nurse that the patient is a PHC nurse. 

 

Ma'am Pie Rivera – Thank you for checking on me in the middle of the night and see if I was doing well.

 

Ma'am Liezel Embestro – Thank you for the visit and for having faith in me.

 

Ma'am Leyda Dela Cuesta – Thank you for checking on me through Ma'am Zen.

 

Ate Jing (our helper) – Thank you for always bringing me foods (prepared by Tita Thelma). Thank you for the care.

 

And to each and everyone who made me feel cared for and loved in his/her own little ways during those days, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

 

Let me end this by saying “Let us not be afraid of facing every challenge that life will offer us for GOD will never abandon us.”  Just as how He was when I faced the beginning of my healing journey, how He is and how He will always be.

 

I hope I inspired you. GOD BLESS everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by Lainee at 05:21 PM as a favorite post | 2 left me a note!

It's been ages and I just realized that my blog has been empty. Haha! I am so into reviving my site.. Hehe. I will find time to write my pieces SOON.=)

 

 

For now, I need time to think on what to say and write. Hehe.

 

Stay patient, peeps! Wait for me til I finally revive my blog.=) Thanks! God bless!

Posted by Lainee at 11:59 AM | speak up!

It was two nights before my birthday when someone I thought my bestfriend broke my heart into pieces.

 

For years.. I took care of the genuine friendship I shared with him. I've been a good listener, adviser, shock absorber, shoulder to lean on, hand to hold on, sister, and any role I should play just to fill up what are lacking in his life.

I just can't believe that everything I've done will all be worthless. Should I say I become worthless?

But like anyone else, I was hoping that when my birthday comes, everything will be okay. I was not asking for a SORRY but I was hoping for a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" greeting. Hopes were all gone now.

 

On the other hand, I'm grateful because I came up with these realizations:

--That only TRUE friends will stay.

--That I am blessed 'coz I have a BOYFRIEND who would do the same thing FOR me and a BESTFRIEND who won't ever do the same thing TO ME.

--That there's this someone who deserves the title BESTFRIEND.

 

So to you, I still want to thank you.

 

 

 

*The picture: My BOYFRIEND and the one who deserves the title BESTFRIEND.=)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Currently feeling: optimistic

Posted by Lainee at 12:11 PM | speak up!

Currently listening to: JUST ONCE
Currently feeling: aggravated

Posted by Lainee at 10:01 AM | speak up!

My BOYFRIEND did not really leave me.. HE never did. But HE is back! HE held my hand. I held HIS hand back and I will never let HIM go again.

I never really fell out of love. But I don't deny it that I have done things which broke HIS heart. That's why I am taking this chance to say that I'm IN LOVE, so IN LOVE with THE BEST BOYRIEND I ever have.

I am IN LOVE with.. GOD.

 

 

Posted by Lainee at 10:02 AM | speak up!